It was the summer of 2002, and I finally hit rock bottom. My husband left me, I suffered a nervous breakdown, and I resorted to writing a suicide letter to God. But He knew I wouldn’t realize I needed Him until I lost everything.
I was raised in a Christian home, but by the time I was married at age 21, I’d turned my back on God and soon denounced my faith altogether. It wasn’t long before I found myself on a path of self-destruction. I worked insane hours trying to build my career and started having black-outs and panic attacks. Because I had no faith in God, when something happened, I relied on myself. To me, Jesus was just a story I’d learned as a child. My career and relationship with my husband only satisfied me for a while. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, my life was fruitless and empty. I knew there must be more. The words of my suicide letter to God reflected my repentance and cry for forgiveness.
I cried out that day and poured out my heart in my letter. I wondered if He was really there and if anyone cared for me. As I wrote, I was surrounded by a presence and felt as thought I was wrapped in a warm blanket. Everything around me went silent, and I heard a voice speak my name: “Michelle, you’re important.” I was so overwhelmed by God’s presence that I didn’t notice until later that the symptoms of my nervous breakdown had disappeared.
Doing it My Way
During the years of our marriage, my husband and I had grown apart, and we drank and avoided one another, rather than confronting our issues. We worked opposite shifts and sometimes went weeks without seeing each other. My husband often partied with his friends all night and didn’t come home. In attempt to get his attention, I decided to do the same. My sadness turned to anger at first, then hatred. My weekend partying became a daily medicine to dull the pain of the stress.
My unresolved anger and raging emotions began to affect my body, mind and ability to think and speak. I dissociated myself from relationships and felt like a dead person walking. I believed my husband had been unfaithful to me, and I took out revenge on my husband by having an affair with another man. Immediately I felt the weight of guilt and shame as I realized I could not undo my actions. I cried every day and sank into a deep depression.
Desperate for Healing
Eventually, I developed severe anxiety, chronic fatigue, and fibromyalgia, which made it difficult for me to function normally. I had lost all hope and believed my life would never change. I remember going to birthday parties and watching people smile, but I could find no joy. In my desperation, I turned to psychics and medical doctors. No one could help me. The medication made me lethargic, and I even had an out-of-body experience on the way to the psychiatrist and began thinking about suicide.
My conditions only worsened as the fibromyalgia worked its way deeper into my tissues. The pain made it difficult for me to sleep. My body would shake at night, and I would often have to crawl on the floor because I was unable to walk. It was a chore to go to work, and I began canceling my contracts and making plans to end my life.
Total Surrender: Doing it God’s Way
The day came when my husband left me, and I was having a nervous breakdown. I decided not to ask for medical help, but simply to end my life. One day as I was driving, I pulled over in front of a casino resort to try to calm myself. I went inside and I walked around. But I was overwhelmed to get my thoughts down on paper, and I pulled out my writing pad and started to write my suicide letter.
I poured my heart out to God. I asked for forgiveness for my life, and told Him I needed help or I would end my life. As I wrote, I cried out for help. But as the words came, I was surrounded by a presence. A sense of peace overwhelmed me, and I finally surrendered myself completely to Him and His will. I gave God control over my life. Within a few short weeks of my surrender, I was pain free, with no sign of fibromyalgia.
Sharing God’s Work in My Life
Since that summer day in 2002 when I placed my trust in Jesus Christ, my life has changed dramatically. I am no longer self-reliant, and I have grown in my relationship with God as I continue to learn to trust in and depend on Him alone. God restored my mind, and my spirit, and I am pain free and free from any symptoms of fibromyalgia. The Lord is using my photography studio as a platform to share my faith with my clients. I live each day in pursuit of my Lord as I seek to glorify Him through all that I do.
How about you?
You can begin turning control of your life over to God, just like I did, with a simple prayer:
“Heavenly Father, I am truly sorry for my sins. Please forgive me. I believe Jesus died on the cross to pay for my sin. I believe He rose from the grave and is alive today.
I want the Spirit of the Living God to live through me. I choose to put You first in my life and let You direct me in all of my decisions. I give up my rights to get even with others.
I give You permission to shed light in dark areas of my life and change my heart and attitudes. With You in charge, sin will not rule over me anymore. Help me to be obedient. I commit the rest of my life to You. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.”
Michelle is a talented photographer who uses her passion for photgraphy to bless others. Learn more about Michelle Wise at www.wisephotography.com